ReserveASpotInHeaven.com does just what its name suggests. For $12.79, the company will "officially" reserve you a spot in heaven, and send you a "heavenly issued certificate of reservation registered in the Book of Light," as well as a first-class ticket to heaven ("Why walk those stairs when you can fly?") According to the site's FAQ section, all its products are guaranteed — a full refund will be granted if St. Peter turns you away.
I doubt if that price includes parking or the all you can eat buffet.
Peter Popoff will probably carry your suitcases.